You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend

I thought I was a man when I wrote this. I was wrong

I saw a meme recently posted to Facebook: a picture of a gear stick and the text, something along the lines of “If your boyfriend’s car doesn’t have one of these, you have a girlfriend.”

It bothered me. A lot. In part because I usually have a lot of respect for the person who posted it, but also because it’s not a completely alien idea, but something I’ve seen many times.

I want to explain and explore why this bothered me.

1. It expects men to value something inconsequential to a culture that has some very confused values already.
2. It implies that if a man is deficient in some manner then he is therefore not a man, he is a woman.

Number 2 is the one that I think is really dangerous, because people actually believe that. Maybe they won’t admit it, but it is definitely there in the language people use: you hit like a girl, stand and fight like a man.¹

Regardless of whether 1. is valid or not, please, don’t fall into the trap of thinking along the lines of 2.

A deficient man is not a woman. A woman is not a deficient man.

Now I don’t think anyone reading this actually thinks that a man becomes a woman if he doesn’t live up to some standard of masculinity, but the idea that a man is acting like a woman by falling short of some definition of manliness: that I’ve heard said.

It should be clear this is nonsense. I’ll say it again, just so we’re clear:

A deficient man is not a woman. A woman is not a deficient man.

Ok. moving on.

Now, you might say that 1 is not going to confuse anyone because obviously it’s a joke, and no-one really thinks that their manliness is tied up in how they control a mere mode of transport.

You’d be wrong - car advertising has successfully indoctrinated our culture into believing that the kind of car they drive is core to their identity, and woe and shame to any man who drives a girly car, or a family van.

This should also be self-evidently ridiculous. It should be clear that any given man’s value is not tied up in the kind of car you drive. I hope.

I refuse to propagate the idea that by refusing this (or any particular) definition of manliness I must be a woman or gay. In fact, there have been times when I’ve thought ‘maybe I’m gay’ because I don’t fit the definition of manliness that is expected. Which is not helpful to me, or to my understanding of actually gay people.

I’m done with ridiculous definitions of manliness.

• As a man, I don’t have to be addicted to sex and have only aggression and uncontrollable desire for all of my female friends.
• As a man, I don’t have to love and worship aggression and violence and patriotism and military and power.
• As a man, I don’t have to bend nature to my will and love the great outdoors and killing things that live there.

• As a man, I don’t have to value myself based on my car or my job or whatever.

• I refuse to feel like I’m a lesser man because I play sport with women who are better at it than me.²
• I refuse to feel like I’m a lesser man because I work in an office rather than a manly trade.³
• I refuse to feel like I’m a lesser man because I have some aesthetic appreciation.⁴

What then is a good definition of what makes a man a good man?

Love sacrificially. Care indiscriminately. Forgive quickly. Share whatever wisdom you have.

Obviously this isn’t just for men. This is a good goal for any human people. Men and woman and those that aren’t contained by the gender binary.